Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Infertility Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Blastocyst

Well I’m back. I had decided a few weeks ago that perhaps I was not making the situation any better by obsessing daily over everything I felt over the evil, twisted "two week wait." So I decided not to get on here and pour all over every little twinge and ache. Boy was I wrong. All I achieved was keeping it all tucked away inside and then falling apart when I started spotting yesterday. I was even kind of mean to my mom which really made me feel like crap. Plus, I really missed writing in this corner of my world. It gives me a chance to get things out and work through the doubts and crazies.

Actually, I did try to talk to a few people. I was at a baby shower a couple of weeks ago (of all places to be) and a friend asked me how I was feeling and how everything was going. I started talking to her about some of my fears and frustrations and it really felt good to say some things out loud. She told me I should seek counseling and pay someone to be forced to sit and listen to me. Next time don’t bother to ask, okay? Another day, I told a lady that I was considering acupuncture. She laughed and made some comment about how I should know that it really wouldn’t help my chances but that she knew it would make me feel better to try. It made me so furious that I wanted to slap her in her already-has-three-kids-without-even-trying face. Then yesterday, after I started spotting, as I was desperately looking for any type of encouragement or hope to keep myself from curling up in the corner and rocking myself into an alternate reality, I immediately came upon an article that told me it was nearly impossible for a woman to get pregnant after the age of 35. Less than 8% chance starting at age 35 that decreases by the month? Thanks a lot you son of a bitch.

How am I supposed to relax and stay hopeful when I’m so angry? How cruel is it when you have spotting from 6-7 dpo (classic implantation bleeding - CLASSIC), with headaches, nausea, food aversions , abdominal cramping, perfectly by the book fluids and still start your period at exactly 14 days past ovulation? AARRGGHH!!! I spent the whole day yesterday being furious with God and with my own infertile mass of a body for tricking me into thinking I had chance. Very cruel. Very cruel indeed.

So what am I going to do now?

1) First of all, I do have a consultation appointment with an acupuncturist for next Wednesday. Josh is going with me – did I mention that Josh is my ever-positive-never-let-me-give-up hero?

2) Second, I am going to start Yoga again. They offer yoga classes at my gym and I may even start tonight if I can find (and fit into) my old yoga pants. On second thought, I think I’ll go ahead and avoid that meltdown and buy some new yoga pants at lunch today.

3) I have also decided that maybe if I pamper myself a little bit more I can start to like myself again. I am going to get a pedicure this weekend (I’ve only ever had one) and make an appointment for a massage. I hear reflexology can be an excellent tool for helping out with fertility – but I can’t bear to let anyone touch my feet until I have at least decent feet.


4) I’m also getting a better basal thermometer (the one I bought last month crapped out on me) and keep more accurate tabs on temperature charting as well as stock up on Ovulation Predictor Kits. I started using them a little late in my cycle so I was never really 100% sure when I started my LH surge. Not so this month. Not so…

So it’s time, once again, to pull myself back together. I have a battery charger for my camera now so I’m going to get outside and take some more pictures, and we’re going to see what these changes do for me over the next month.

Now that I think about it, I’m actually a little excited.

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