30 pounds...

So I've looked at a few different websites and weight calculators, and apparently I am about 30 pounds overweight. I am 5'8" and I weigh 180lbs. My BMI is 27%. Body Mass Index. For the longest time I though BMI was bowel movement infrequency. At this point I hate the acronym anyway.

I remember the first time I fit into a size 5 pair of jeans. I was 26 years old and dating a real jerk. The only good thing he did for me was make me feel so stupid and inadequate that I ran four miles a day and went back to college. Thanks dumbass! Hey now there's a therapy session right there. Anyway, that day was a turning point for me. It was so empowering, my self confidence was so high.

I also remember the first time I bought a size 14 pair of jeans. It was two weeks ago. I felt so out of control and small (ironic). I am aware of my weight all the time. Especially since I've gained it so quickly. I can see the surprise in people's eyes who haven't seen me much over the last year. I can see the pain for me in my mom's eyes when I get upset about it. I've even caught J looking at me to see if that's my side fat, or just my shirt billowing out. I know he didn't mean for me to realize it, and I know he wasn't being malicious about it, I'm just shaped differently now. I need to say that he truly is so wonderful to me, and he always makes me feel so beautiful. But walking back to the rack, putting back the size 12 jeans and taking down the 14's, it was a lifechanging experience. I seriously need to get a grip.

I am so tired of being embarassed of myself.

Dear Lord, please give me strength, self-control, and help me learn to love myself again.