Change of Pace

Well, my pregnancy frustrations are at a stand still. I am now in my mini break from Clomid and I have to admit that I’m a little relieved to be able to give my mind a break from the daily obsessions.

Starting today, I'm trying a crazy new diet. Right now, I don’t even care what people think or say about this diet. Just like I don’t care what people think or say about me changing so many things in my life to try to get pregnant. I’ve discovered that no one knows what I’m going through but me (and Josh at least for the pregnancy stuff). People who don’t know what it feels like to NOT be able to get pregnant, and people who don’t know what it feels like to be overweight seem to be the most critical and the most ready to offer their opinions of “you’re doing it wrong” or “you know that’s not really going to help, don’t you?” or “you’re trying too hard” or “are you sure that’s the best thing?” or my absolute favorite “have you read anything about that?”

I have given up so many things that I love. I have forced myself to eat and drink things that I can’t stand. I have become a slave to so many books and blogs and websites I’ve read to try to become pregnant: drink this, don’t eat that, exercise, don’t exercise, have sex these days but not those, stuff your face with vitamins, green tea is good for you, no wait, green tea is counteractive to Clomid, drink juice, but pineapple juice causes uterine contractions, no caffeine, no stress, take your temperature the exact same time every day, check the position of your cervix, chart your bodily fluids, are you having cramps or just twinges?, do your breasts have veins?, are you suffering from headaches?, do your nipples hurt?, does your back hurt?, what kind of dreams are you having?, do you really have these symptoms or are you making it up?, no stress, no stress, relax, relax, RELAX, RELAX.

I cannot continue this every day, every month…month after month. What if it takes me three years to get pregnant? Should I keep up this obsessive lifestyle? No. I can’t. In the last year, I have gone from a size 8 to a size 14. My body has rebelled against me – and I against it. I have to try to fix myself right now. I owe it to myself to love myself. I owe it to my husband to not be ashamed of myself, because I know he loves me, and I want him to be able to enjoy me and my body without my own self-conscious reservations.