Honey - Bringing Sexy Back

Dripping, sticky, full and oozing, sweet, delectable honey. Honey sounds pretty sexy when you put it that way – as well it should. Honey is apparently fertility in a bottle. Okay, maybe not actually fertility in a bottle, but it’s been used for literally thousands of years by women to increase their fertility and their sex drive. Needless to say, I’ve increased my honey intake over the past week by a huge margin and I am definitely looking forward to my feet getting some air time whilst Josh and I do a little baby dancing underneath.

Just finished Round 2 of Clomid this morning - cycle days 5 through 9...ding ding ding...LLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLE!!! We're going for the big KO (or rather, PG). My left ovary (I'm banking on this gal - she's fiesty) has been poking me all day. She's up for it - I can feel it!

In all of my reading, I've come across so many things that every woman (and man for that matter) with infertility issues really needs to know about. If anyone out there is reading this and interested, I highly recommend you read "Personal Path to Pregnancy." You can go to www.personalpathtopregnancy.com and get tons of information. A lot of the changes I've been making are thanks to Beth Kiley who did the research and put it all together.

This is my scripture of encouragement today. I am so thankful to all the women who have voiced their experiences, disappointments, and triumphs. You help keep me going. I pray that I can do the same for one of you. Keep the faith!

"I am eager to encourage you in your faith,
but I also want to be encouraged by yours.
In this way, each of us will be a blessing to the other."
Romans 1:12 [NLT]

Infertility Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clomid

Okay, I’m over it now and ready to start round two of Clomid today! I have promised myself and Josh that I wouldn’t obsess over every little thing again this month, but I wonder how many women say that every month. I guess we’ll see. Luckily, Josh is a patient man (he is with me, anyway).

I am trying to take a more proactive approach this month though:

1) Caffeine is cut – no more coffee with cream and sugar all morning and no more 3 Dr. Peppers a day. Just stupid water all day except for twice a day when I drink two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water, sweetened with honey. Honestly, there isn’t enough honey in the world, but I did learn that a woman’s “reproductive entryway” is naturally acidic and that acids can kill or impede sperm. Apple cider vinegar helps to balance that pH level.

2) I recently learned that saliva is a sperm repellant/killer. This realllllly sucked to learn (pun absolutely intended) but something we needed to know about during those most fertile of days.

3) I tried to find some herbal teas, etc that I could drink that are supposed to help with fertility, but surprisingly, it’s not good to drink them while taking fertility drugs. Some of them were controversial in their recommendations. Green tea, for instance, is used by some women taking Clomid because they say the antioxidants are good for healthier eggs but other women have said that drinking green tea with Clomid should be avoided because it has an adverse effect on the estrogen blockers that Clomid provides so that your ovaries get a nice big estrogen boost for ovulation. I decided not to mess with that. Although herbal teas are good for you, I’ve decided to stay away from anything that might possibly impede what Clomid needs to do.

4) One thing I was very sad to discover was that pineapple juice caused uterine contractions and should be avoided. Guess what I drank a big jug of last month? To be safe, I am drinking only water, 1 cup of decaff coffee in the morning, and that rancid glass of water and apple cider vinegar. Josh took a sip of it the other day so he would know what I’m going through. I love him.

5) I also read that a healthy Body Mass Index (BMI) was between 19 % - 25%. My BMI is almost 28% (round-a-bout 27.8). After doing some calculating, that means I need to lose about 20 pounds. Changing my diet will help with that some, but I need to at least start walking. I plan on digging around and finding my tennies tonight!

6) Oh and speaking of honey (from #1), an ancient Chinese recipe of 2 tblsp honey and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon is supposed to increase fertility. Warning – do not attempt to eat the honey and cinnamon concoction if the cinnamon is not completely mixed in with the honey. Cinnamon powder in your mouth and up your nose is AWFUL.

These are some of the bigger changes I’m making. I’m on day two of my caffeine withdrawal headache. The cup of decaf seemed to help a little. I know there’s a very small amount of caffeine in decaf – plus I think the ritual of making a cup of coffee and sipping it at my desk seemed to calm the edge a little.

So starting today, positive thoughts again – proactive choices to improve fertility chances – a new day. This verse really jumped at me today.
"Whatever is true...think about such things...And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9 (NIV)

Positive thinking, positive prayer.

Disheartening Monday.

Well, I started my period today. Right on schedule. I’ve been giving myself little pep talks all day, telling myself to stay positive, and planning what I’m going to do differently over the next 4 weeks to up the chances…but secretly I loathe my ugly infertile body for being unable to do the one and only thing a woman’s body should naturally do.

I should probably not write anymore tonight.

Off to bed I go.

Lava lamps look like floating cervixes...

Today I am 13 dpo and I have just discovered something else I can check all day and obsess over until I see if that dreaded witch will make an appearance in the next day or two…the position of my cervix! What? I know. I have never really been one to physically explore and take note of what’s going on inside my vajayjay, but now I have a reason.

I still have roadmap veins throughout my bbs and nips, but the question of whether they are darker in color is still under constant scrutiny. I roped Josh into helping me check daily, and since we’ve had this weekend off together, I keep asking him to stop and look at them. The last time I asked him to come look with me, he made a face and looked at the clock. How sad are you when you force your husband to look at your breasts so often he would rather do something else? It made me feel awful and silly. So he now has a reprieve, I’ll just go in the bathroom and check my cervix 14 times today!

Josh has this weekend off and we have been making some radical changes throughout the house. We’ve started cleaning out the front room (that I pray will someday soon be a nursery), and hope to be done with the primary color painting by this evening. I’m also going through and getting rid of lots and lots of junk and clothes. It’s so hard, but more important things are to come and we need more room!!!!

I think my biggest fear right now, if I do in fact start my period in the next few days, is that we missed our window because of my trip to California. I know that not a lot of couples get pregnant their first round of Clomid, and I know that so many women are obsessively going through exactly what I am. The thought of going through this every month is a little disheartening and my heart goes out to those women who have been going through this every month for years. I’m 35 years old now, and I know that my days are becoming numbered and that it just won’t be as easy as it would have been 10 years ago, but I am more ready now than I ever have been. I have a husband who loves me, and who I love, more than I ever could have imagined. He is my best friend and I could not make it through this without him. No matter the outcome, my life will be happy and full with him for the rest of my life.

I just noticed something...Josh's old lava lamp is behind the computer. We found out last night that it still works! Now that I have been internetically educated on what my cervix looks like and the various places it moves, the lava in this lamp looks exactly like a bunch of floating cervixes...weird.

You Know You're TTC When...

1) You saw TTC and immediately knew what it meant.

2) The big “O” now refers to ovulation, rather than orgasm.

3) You wake up in the morning praying for nausea and vomiting.

4) You check your breasts for signs of changes at least five times a day – come on’ huge nips and interstate road map veins!

5) Although still disgusted by it (and even slightly nauseated by it – hey, nausea!), you are more fascinated by your own CM as well as hearing about everyone else’s CM than you ever thought you would be in your entire life (but still….eww.)

6) You spend more time at work Googling early pregnancy symptoms than you do working.

7) You’re excited about having excessive gas, painful bloating and constipation because you read in several places these are signs of early pregnancy.

8) Acid reflux! High five!

9) You are disappointed that you haven’t had to pee very often this morning. But now that you think about it…you have to go now!

10) You know where all the best light is in order to get a good clear unmistakable view of the pregnancy test strip (but you still close one eye and hold it up close and then wait an additional 10 minutes before throwing it away only to dig it out of the trash a few more times just to make sure).

11) You have a variety of words to represent the "F" in BFN.

Big, Big, Big Sigh…

The ept was negative this morning. I guess no real big surprise or issue there. I am thinking that today I could be anywhere between 8dpo and 10 dpo so it could still be too early to tell. This morning I woke up feeling very pre-menstrual. It is not helpful to read that pregnancy symptoms are very much like pre-menstrual symptoms. THEN THEY’RE NOT PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS!!

I have been so tired lately. I know that is also a “pregnancy symptom” but it could also be a side effect from my weight and bloatiness also known as fat and lazy symptoms! OR I just got home from a long trip and I’m tired symptoms!

When I got to work today, my friend and co-worker in the office adjacent to mine told me that she took a pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive… Positive… Positive… I pray that one day soon I’ll give my family and friends that same news.

It is so hard to stay even keel and not get my hopes up too high, while at the same time to keep my thoughts from turning too negative. Josh is so excited and I don’t want to disappoint him. This weekend we are moving furniture and painting the coolest baby room evah! It’s fun to have a project to plan and work on to keep us busy while we wait obsessively (at least I’m being obsessive, Josh is the wise one who is keeping our minds occupied with redecorating) for the good news. It’s going to be wonderful to bring a baby home to this room that we worked so hard on and put so much joy and love into creating. Josh is the master of positive baby thinking…it’s going to be amazing!

Encouraging Word for the Day, courtesy of Proverbs31.org:

Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (NIV)

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

Dear Lord, thank You for your faithfulness and for the loving kindness You've shown me year after year. Please develop in me a heart of joy. I choose to trust You with my life, and to rejoice amidst my circumstances today. Guide me in my decisions today, to Your glory. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

I left my charger in California...

Well I am back after my California adventure, but I am back without my camera battery charger and my camera is dead! I am going crazy without it! Therefore, I'm just posting more pictures from my trip. It’s really nice to see new places and try new things, but I sure do love being at home with Josh. I just do better when we’re together. I love that I have a husband I can’t live without.

Oddly enough, another bodily entity that can’t do without Josh is my left ovary. I was feeling some cramping up until the day I left for Cali (Wednesday), but I didn’t feel a thing for my entire 5 day stay. Then, about two hours into the flight home, probably about the time we crossed over Texas soil, I started feeling some little twinges in my left ovary. By the time Josh got home from work that night, I was really feeling them again. Not so much cramping, but definitely twinges and pressure. I told him they knew he was nearby.

So now that I’m home, and back to normal life, the days of waiting are upon me. I am still five long and evil days away from knowing anything for certain. So to occupy some of my time, I have been logging symptoms, obsessing and Google-ing every itty bitty detail. So much so that sometimes I think perhaps I talk myself into thinking that I do in fact have that symptom. For instance, “metallic taste in mouth” – I had this very taste in my mouth for days only to discover that a filling was gone. Symptom explained! I had symptoms such as: stuffy/runny nose, aches, backache. During this time I was also feeling very nauseas. Turns out, I had a cold and the nausea was from drainage. Four symptoms explained in one shot! One other symptom that I hadn’t been aware of was that a woman’s nipples will darken and/or become bigger, and will be more sensitive. I have never really paid that much attention to my nipples and became very disappointed in myself for not being able to tell whether or not they had changed their appearance. This resulted in my taking frequent trips to the mirror to flash myself and scrutinize every little bit of nipplage color. Turns out they do turn colors after being rubbed and measured thirteen times daily.

To remedy this, I have asked Josh to assist me in the examination . In fact, I have informed him that it is his daily homework assignment. He promised to do a thorough check as often as needed.

The symptoms that I am actually feeling:
1) my nipples are, in fact, sore; they have been sensitive before, but I don’t believe they have ever actually hurt like this, 2) my left ovary is twinging and is actually cramping lightly; from what I’ve read, many Clomid users feel cramping throughout their cycle, 3) I am so tired. I think I could lay my head back on my chair and be out within a few minutes.

I can't stand it so I'm going to take a pregnancy test in the morning.

I'm praying for a positive.