Friday, May 28, 2010

Carrie-Anne’s Guide to Top Drawer Business Traveling

1. When you have a 60 pound booth to set up, do like every other business does and have it shipped ahead of you to the EXACT LOCATION where it is supposed to be assembled. DO NOT have it shipped to the nearest UPS store thinking it would be easier to haul it yourself. Hint: In California, nobody holds the door open for you while you struggle through with your crap.

2. When you go to pick up your rental car, go ahead and pay the additional $5 to get a bigger car. Go ahead and get the $23.50 insurance. They ask you lots of questions really quickly and everything they say seems like the smartest and most sensible thing you ever heard. Just make sure you know that they are talking “per day.” But it’s okay…your company will reimburse you after you get home and explain why you spent an additional $40 a day on a car you’ve driven 18 miles so far. And don’t forget the $10 a day hotel parking fee.

3. Make sure you know what size the refrigerator in your hotel room is before you buy groceries and a 12 pack of beer.

4. Learn this two word phrase, ”Expense it.” This does not, however, apply to a day pass to Disneyland, even though the restaurant you want to eat at, which your company WILL pay for, is inside the park. Hey, a girl has to try!

5. When at a business convention, make sure you bring pens, coffee mugs, candy, something…ANYTHING for people to take. They feign interest in your company until they look down and see you have nothing to offer them other than pricing brochures and a business card. They really don’t care.

6. While at a conference with a big student population in attendance, let them use their big new words like algorithm and hydrological. They know more than you – just ask them. They don’t eat meat and they smoke two packs of cigarettes a day because they love nature.

7. Make GOOD friends with the gal who brought pecan pralines to hand out. BEST friends in fact.
8. Drink all the complimentary coffee you can. It’s the only thing you don’t have to hang on to a receipt for.

9. DO NOT let on to anyone that you are traveling completely by yourself. Otherwise you get asked to dinner by convention attendees and vendors in the booth across from you who don’t care that you are wearing a wedding ring (they certainly don’t care that they’re wearing theirs).

10. It is not advisable that you drink the huge glass of complimentary wine after a very long, busy and emotionally trying day when the only things you have eaten are thin "fancy" crackers and cheese that smells like ass. Well, on second thought, maybe that’s the perfect time for a free drink!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ovaries on the Ceiling...

Right now I am sitting in my exhibition booth in the Anaheim Marriott ballroom at the SPE Regional Conference. It is beautiful here! I’m including some pictures of the gardens and flowers I’ve seen around the hotels and convention center. My gardening self is in heaven!



I have never seen so many birds of paradise! I may have to try growing them at home. I just don’t know how much they would like Northeast Texas.

I am also completely surrounded by men at this conference. Which, being a female engineer, is not uncommon. I find it amusing, though, to watch these men as they meet up in the hotel lobbies and cocktail lounges, and sit around showing each other how big their penises are. I’m speaking metaphorically, of course, but really, why else do they have open urinals?

I think I’ve talked to Josh about 7 times today. It was very lonely waking up this morning alone rather than with Josh and anywhere from 2 to 4 animals on the bed with us. I even positioned some of the pillows so that my feet had no room to move - just like home!

The lights above my head in the Exhibit Hall remind me of my ovaries. Hey, could that be a fertilized egg I see?

Monday, May 24, 2010

Working Ovary Time


I have never been so in tune with my body. Prior to May 16th I had no idea that it was possible to “feel” my ovaries. I have felt them swell, ache, cramp, respond to hormones and I’m pretty sure that yesterday afternoon my left ovary was piping Barry White through my fallopian tubes.

And so it has been - Josh and I at the mercy of my reproductive system. Tomorrow morning I leave for my business trip and won’t be back until Sunday afternoon (4 nights away). By all the extensive calculating I’ve been doing, and banking on Clomid giving my ovaries a metaphorical swift kick in the pants, I should be ovulating as I type. I don’t know if ovarian cramping is any indication that ovulation is about to take place, but I have definitely been feeling some pressure from the gal on the left for the past few days. I’m banking on the fact that she’s my over achiever.

I must say that I have absolutely loved the past five days with Josh. We were just talking at lunch today about how much fun it is to plan our rendezvous, especially during my lunch hour (which the past few work days has been more like 2 hours). It’s like we have our own little secret – our own special world together where we just enjoy each other. Then we both go on about our days with a mischievous little smirk, a little less stressed for the rest of the day.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Meet Gerbie, the Garden Monster...


This is my Garden Monster, Gerbie. He’s in charge of keeping the cats from peeing on my ferns.

Well, in between work and all the baby making, Josh and I worked in the yard yesterday and gave our three dogs baths. I still have a hydrangea bush, a rose bush and three plants to get in the ground, but I’m getting closer to having an awesome front yard. I had a nice little gardening surprise yesterday...it looks like we’re going to have pumpkins! I can’t wait to watch them grow!

Things have been so busy lately…which is a blessing for my brain. The more I have to do, the less time I spend sitting around giving pep talks to my ovaries.

Josh and I are staying positive. We are enjoying planning our rendezvous. I am taking a business trip to Anaheim this week and will be gone from Wednesday morning until Sunday afternoon. Dr. S gave us a 10 day ovulation window and my trip will cut into a couple of those days, but my peak ovulation is, fortunately, the days just before I leave. Josh works the 3-11pm shift so lunchtime will fast become an exciting time for us, and will undoubtedly relieve the afternoon stress at work!

My advice - plan some afternoon delights with your man!

Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. —Ecclesiastes 9:9

Friday, May 21, 2010

OK Boys, DO YOUR DUTY!!


Eggs meet sperm. Sperm, GET ‘EM!!

Gentlemen, over the next 10 days you will engage in a full blown assault! I’m talking to YOU semen! Don’t dilly dally around the cervix like a bunch of whiny school girls…YOU’RE MEN!! Charge the cervix! Find the egg! Victory is yours men!

CHAAAARGE!!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Round one complete…


Well I have just taken my fifth and final pill on my first round of Clomid. *deep breath, let it out slow*

I’ve read so many stories of women with first round success stories or third round success stories, but also very sad and painful stories. I’ve read about women, like myself, who have thought they have been pregnant, shown all the early symptoms and let the excitement creep in, only to feel disappointment when they started their next cycle.

Every one of these women with stories of false positives and disappointments have said, ”Maybe next month,” or “We’ll try another round and maybe then my body will be ready.” These women are so brave and so determined NOT to let their hopes falter. These women, like me, want to experience the rawest, purest form of being a woman pregnant with a child – to feel our bodies swelling and changing and growing new life within us. Is it possible to ‘will’ yourself to be pregnant? If it were, I have no doubt there would be a lot more happy new mommies out there!

I am pretty bad about worrying. I think about things and I rethink them and then I reenact scenarios and look at all possible ways to and from and around the thing that I am worrying about. I am learning to take a proactive approach in every worrying instance in order to face more circumstances head on. And I’ve also learned that I don’t need to be involved in everything in order to feel like I’m doing something. Taking a step back from filling up my schedule outside of work with personal commitments has really helped me get my life back into perspective and I get so much more enjoyment out of my daily life than ever before.

"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:27 (NIV)

I pray that God continues to work in my life and in Josh’s life. I pray for the strength to persevere no matter the outcome. My faith and my trust are in God. Guide me in the direction of Your will.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

“Fertility drug,” I pondered…


The past couple of days at work have been fast paced 12 hour long exhausting days. I didn’t use commas in that sentence because lately there have been no commas in my day. With my body doing weird Clomid things, it’s certainly made life more interesting throughout the day. I was very tired last night and climbed into bed about two hours later than I had hoped. It was a little chilly in our room and as I crawled under the sheets I made this comment to Josh, “I hope the hot flashes come back again soon so I can warm up.” Well, I would like to formally redact that statement. I made this declaration to Josh at about 3:30am. I didn’t think he heard me, so I woke him up and told him again.

I sometimes wonder how in the world any of us made it through life without the knowledge power of the internet. I am a Google-maniac. I love researching. Any question or interest I have, I always check out what the internet community has to say about it; the more information and stories and experiences I can find, the better. I don’t know what I would have done the past several weeks had it not been for the internet. I have found so many women who have gone through exactly what Josh and I have been going through. My heart goes out to every single woman whose stories and experiences I have read. It’s very comforting to know that I’m not alone.

After my lab work, blood test, sonogram, Josh’s lab work, my (terribly painful) HSG all came back normal (with the exception of the HSG – I had one slightly blocked tube that opened up during the test), Dr. S said we would start Clomid. “I’m sorry what was that?” I asked using my best infomercial imitation. “Clomid,” Dr. S confidently replied. “It’s a fertility drug that will give your ovaries a little ovulation booster.”

“Fertility drug,” I pondered. Hmmmm….My only knowledge of fertility drugs were of octomoms, john-plus-kates, and the like. In all honesty, I really didn’t have that much knowledge about my entire reproductive system. From the beginning of all of this, I stumbled through the medical questions they asked me, not knowing many of the terms they were using or what they were even asking me. I could probably calculate the math behind the control systems of the sonogram equipment they used, but ask me a medical question and you will not get an intelligent response. I even showed up for my sonogram (cycle day 1) unshaven and wearing a tampon because I thought they were just going to rub some gel on my belly and run that scanner around over my ‘above surface’ uterine area to check things out. I didn’t find out that Dr. S was going subsurface until they were all in the room and I had a sheet wrapped around my lower half. I had to get back off the table and run to the restroom. I kept wondering why I had to undress!

It’s so comforting to know that lots of women are going through what I am. It’s comforting to know that I have a husband who loves me and is going through all of this with me – every second of it. It’s comforting to know that God is with me through all of the pain and uncomfortable circumstances. My faith is in Him. He knows what is best and He is preparing us for what He has in store.

Psalm 27:13, "I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." (NKJV)

God Bless!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Day three of Clomid and I am really feeling the effects. My sense of balance is WAY off, seriously. I woke up last night with major hot flashes and even got up and turned down the air conditioner. Fah-reezing cold this morning! I haven’t really noticed any mood swings yet. My co-worker told me otherwise but I told her to mind her own *beep*ing business and shut the *beep**beep* door. I also get these waves of achiness, like I’m getting sick. I haven’t been taking my temp or anything, but I’m guessing that’s what that’s all about. I don’t feel as fatigued as I did yesterday, but I also had no choice but to get to work as early as I could to meet some deadlines. One of which is coming up in about an hour that I should be working on instead of pouring over my Clomidness. I just can’t concentrate. And I can. not. stop. peeing!

By the way, is it just me or does my hibiscus flower seem to have an attitude today?

Monday, May 17, 2010

Bottoms up (not mine, the glass)....


Well, second day of Clomid is down the chute, or hatch, whichever. Not the big pomp and circumstance I gave it yesterday, but still excited to be taking it none the less. It’s Monday morning and hard to be excited about too much.

So let’s talk a little more about Clomid. I had never heard of it before March 29, 2010 and had no idea that people I knew have taken it and had babies! I read some of the side effects that were possible from taking it: headaches, bloating, dizziness, pelvic/abdominal pain, nausea, fatigue…I think the only side effects I’ve experience are dizziness and fatigue. I was at Wal-Mart yesterday and as I bent over to put a movie I picked out of the $5 bin into my basket, the whole thing spun around on me. I’m feeling it a little bit as I sit here at my desk. I did see one side effect that said possible weight loss and I am beside myself with anticipation waiting for that one to kick in!

Planning and hoping for a baby has made me reflect quite a bit on my past. I am a preacher’s daughter and was brought up loving Jesus and devoting time to the church and our church family. Like a lot of young people, once I got out of the house and gained some independence, I rebelled against so many of the people, traditions and scripture I was brought up to respect and love. My lapse lasted a few years and like so many I soon found my way home again. But during that time, I did some things that I am not proud of. At times I have feared that my infertility was a punishment for my times of being a wayward daughter. I had to find a way to forgive myself before I was able to accept God’s forgiveness. I kept allowing my past sins to haunt me and keep me from allowing God to cleanse my soul. It took several days of me down on my knees and praying for a way to forgive myself, but with God’s help, I have finally found the peace I needed within. Today, I allow those scars to serve as a reminder to me that I should never stray again from the path of God’s will, but I will never allow them to keep me from God’s love.

This is an excerpt from www.proverbs31.org. This is a wonderful daily devotional and most mornings, it really hits the spot! I hope it helps someone else out there too:

"Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs." Isaiah 61:7

Consider the years of your life you feel might have been wasted. Reread and memorize Isaiah 61:7, today's key verse. Cast away your shame and look for your double portion of inheritance. Rejoice in God's mercy and grace.

Dear Lord, thank You for having mercy on me. Display Your will for my life. Enable me to fulfill the gifts and call in my life, so that others will understand Your grace and mighty power. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


I highly recommend checking out this website!! It is designed to give daily encouragement to women. Many days I leave it open on my desktop so that occasionally I see it throughout the day.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

It's Clomid day!


Well, today's the day! Today I begin taking the fertility drug Clomid. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. Should I just take it now? I think I will. Drum roll please\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/...Ta daaaaa! Crash! Boom!

And now we wait...

There sure is a lot of waiting involved in baby making. Have sex these carefully planned days. Then wait for a sign....Oooh my breasts are really sore and I seem to be peeing a lot today. Is it because I'm pregnant or because I'm about to start my period and I've been drinking a lot of water today? "Have you missed your period yet? No? Then you have to wait." ... Hey I'm spotting a little early this cycle....Is it implantation bleeding or have I totally screwed up my cycle with all of this anticipation? "Have you missed your period yet? No? Then you have to wait." I took five pregnancy tests when I started spotting early. Five. Then, six days later when I did have my period, it was AWFUL. Nurse Laura said there was no way to tell if I had been pregnant, but at least my body was responding to changes we've been making. So she called in the Rx for Clomid, and we wait until my 5th cycle day. It's here! yay! Now I wait until my 6th cycle day and take another pill, and so on through my 9th cycle day. Then my ovaries are open for business for the next 10 days, we go at it, have some good times, and then we wait again to see if there's a baby in there.

The cool part is that we are doing SOMETHING. We went years without asking for medical help. But I was in school and it was important to me to graduate and start a career. Now, good people are working with us to make this happen. Lots of loving Christians are praying for us that this will happen.

Dear Lord, keep our spirits up. My life, my strength and my hope are in You. Thank you for the blessings in my life. Thank you for my family who loves me. Thank you for the waiting - because it keeps my goals in perspective - it makes me a little crazy(er) but it teaches me patience and makes me so aware of the simpleness of day to day. Bless Josh - he is such an awesome man, and is going to make the funnest, craziest, most loving, protective and awesome dad ever!


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Meet my loving man...


This is me and Josh. He's my hero.

Ugh this is not how I looked in my head. The camera adds 10 pounds and a second chin right? There were like 4 cameras pointing at me. I did not want to post it, but this blog is about getting it all out on the table, so screw it I'm posting it.

Naturally, we're at a restaurant and I'm about to start eating. Hey get this off the table!
Hello from my phone!

30 pounds...

So I've looked at a few different websites and weight calculators, and apparently I am about 30 pounds overweight. I am 5'8" and I weigh 180lbs. My BMI is 27%. Body Mass Index. For the longest time I though BMI was bowel movement infrequency. At this point I hate the acronym anyway.

I remember the first time I fit into a size 5 pair of jeans. I was 26 years old and dating a real jerk. The only good thing he did for me was make me feel so stupid and inadequate that I ran four miles a day and went back to college. Thanks dumbass! Hey now there's a therapy session right there. Anyway, that day was a turning point for me. It was so empowering, my self confidence was so high.

I also remember the first time I bought a size 14 pair of jeans. It was two weeks ago. I felt so out of control and small (ironic). I am aware of my weight all the time. Especially since I've gained it so quickly. I can see the surprise in people's eyes who haven't seen me much over the last year. I can see the pain for me in my mom's eyes when I get upset about it. I've even caught J looking at me to see if that's my side fat, or just my shirt billowing out. I know he didn't mean for me to realize it, and I know he wasn't being malicious about it, I'm just shaped differently now. I need to say that he truly is so wonderful to me, and he always makes me feel so beautiful. But walking back to the rack, putting back the size 12 jeans and taking down the 14's, it was a lifechanging experience. I seriously need to get a grip.

I am so tired of being embarassed of myself.

Dear Lord, please give me strength, self-control, and help me learn to love myself again.

Only one thing...

"You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42 (NIV)

I AM worried and upset about things. Obviously so, or I wouldn't be taking medication for it! One of the hardest things to do is to turn your worries over to the Lord. When I worry about things, I guess I feel that as long as I have it first and foremost in my mind, then it's still mine and by constantly and greviously rolling it over in my mind I can somehow get control over it. Of course that's ridiculous. The best thing I can do it turn it over to the Lord and trust that whatever the outcome, God will get me through it. Whatever the outcome, God has a plan. I know that he will use every single moment of my life - good or bad - for his glory. Nothing I have ever said or done has been wasted. Because either a lesson has been learned, I can comfort someone going through siminar tribulations...there are any number of circumstances that only someone who has been experienced it will understand - good and bad.

After this past week of thinking I was pregnant, I spent every single second being aware of the fact that I might be pregnant. It was wonderful. I felt younger, I felt like a full and lucious woman, I felt calmer, I felt blessed, I felt such incredible tenderness, excitement and security from Josh and this, coming from a man who already makes me feel beautiful, safe and loved. It was a wonderful 5 days. Tomorrow I start taking Clomid. I am excited about the prospect of another month of trying for a baby. I am a little nervous too. I want to feel that again. So I am praying that I can turn this over to God. I pray that I will be strong and accepting of what he has in store. And at the same time, I pray that I become pregnant soon.

This bible verse is another perfect reminder for me. I do have lots of things that I am worried about - but there is only one thing that is needed..and that is faith in God that He has a plan for me and for Josh.

God Bless!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Excited and hopeful...

Well, after spending five days thinking I was pregnant. Mother Nature told me otherwise. Sad face. But after talking with Josh, we decided it was a good sign that SOMETHING happened. I mean, NOTHING has been happening so SOMETHING is a welcome change.

I called Nurse Laura at the OB’s office and she called in my prescription for Clomid. 50mg a day. This will be my first time taking fertility drugs. I start taking it Sunday. “Take the Clomid on cycle days 5-9 and then intercourse every other day on days 10-20. Just remember to have fun and not make it a chore.” Josh will be delighted to hear this!

Yesterday I bought some prenatal vitamins. Today I am only drinking water (okay ONE Dr. Pepper) and having a cob salad from United for lunch with Kraft balsamic vinaigrette salad dressing..yummy! No snacking this afternoon and spaghetti with olive oil and a little parmesan for dinner.

I know I need to start walking or something again. I HAVE to. I can’t take this. And I am so afraid that if and when I do get pregnant, I will gain 50 more pounds and completely lose sight of me. Sooo onward to a better me!!! Ah-hem. I sort of talked around that because it’s raining outside. I do have an exercise bike at home. The only problem is that my one eyed cat Sheldon and dogs Maggie and Lucy have to be near me and I’m always afraid I’ll kick them with the pedal. It's an excuse though. Maybe I will put them outside and ride the bike while watching The Office. There. Blah.

Speaking of prescriptions, Walgreens now has Rx pickup texting. I love this! I am currently taking Lexapro for my anxiety/depression aka crazy issues, and I signed up for texting notifications. It’s great! I just received a text from them so I know Laura has called in my Clomid Rx. Which means more baby making hopes are on the way.

This verse really gave me comfort yesterday when I was so sad:

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4 (NIV)

Nice reminder. Thanks www.proverbs31.org daily devotion!

Welcome to my blog...

Hello world. I am starting this blog to keep myself from completely losing my mind. I am in my thirties, married, trying to get pregnant, trying to lose weight, trying to excel in my career... I've been diagnosed with some issues...anxiety/depression/infertility. Over the last 3 1/2 years I have gained 50lbs. 30 of those pounds I gained in the last year. I have some issues but my sweet husband loves me regardless. I am a very lucky girl. I am hoping this blog will help me sort through some things, help me make some goals for myself, and hold me accountable for them.

Let's see how it goes!!