Monday, August 9, 2010

Change of Pace

Well, my pregnancy frustrations are at a stand still. I am now in my mini break from Clomid and I have to admit that I’m a little relieved to be able to give my mind a break from the daily obsessions.

Starting today, I'm trying a crazy new diet. Right now, I don’t even care what people think or say about this diet. Just like I don’t care what people think or say about me changing so many things in my life to try to get pregnant. I’ve discovered that no one knows what I’m going through but me (and Josh at least for the pregnancy stuff). People who don’t know what it feels like to NOT be able to get pregnant, and people who don’t know what it feels like to be overweight seem to be the most critical and the most ready to offer their opinions of “you’re doing it wrong” or “you know that’s not really going to help, don’t you?” or “you’re trying too hard” or “are you sure that’s the best thing?” or my absolute favorite “have you read anything about that?”

I have given up so many things that I love. I have forced myself to eat and drink things that I can’t stand. I have become a slave to so many books and blogs and websites I’ve read to try to become pregnant: drink this, don’t eat that, exercise, don’t exercise, have sex these days but not those, stuff your face with vitamins, green tea is good for you, no wait, green tea is counteractive to Clomid, drink juice, but pineapple juice causes uterine contractions, no caffeine, no stress, take your temperature the exact same time every day, check the position of your cervix, chart your bodily fluids, are you having cramps or just twinges?, do your breasts have veins?, are you suffering from headaches?, do your nipples hurt?, does your back hurt?, what kind of dreams are you having?, do you really have these symptoms or are you making it up?, no stress, no stress, relax, relax, RELAX, RELAX.

I cannot continue this every day, every month…month after month. What if it takes me three years to get pregnant? Should I keep up this obsessive lifestyle? No. I can’t. In the last year, I have gone from a size 8 to a size 14. My body has rebelled against me – and I against it. I have to try to fix myself right now. I owe it to myself to love myself. I owe it to my husband to not be ashamed of myself, because I know he loves me, and I want him to be able to enjoy me and my body without my own self-conscious reservations.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Infertility Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Blastocyst

Well I’m back. I had decided a few weeks ago that perhaps I was not making the situation any better by obsessing daily over everything I felt over the evil, twisted "two week wait." So I decided not to get on here and pour all over every little twinge and ache. Boy was I wrong. All I achieved was keeping it all tucked away inside and then falling apart when I started spotting yesterday. I was even kind of mean to my mom which really made me feel like crap. Plus, I really missed writing in this corner of my world. It gives me a chance to get things out and work through the doubts and crazies.

Actually, I did try to talk to a few people. I was at a baby shower a couple of weeks ago (of all places to be) and a friend asked me how I was feeling and how everything was going. I started talking to her about some of my fears and frustrations and it really felt good to say some things out loud. She told me I should seek counseling and pay someone to be forced to sit and listen to me. Next time don’t bother to ask, okay? Another day, I told a lady that I was considering acupuncture. She laughed and made some comment about how I should know that it really wouldn’t help my chances but that she knew it would make me feel better to try. It made me so furious that I wanted to slap her in her already-has-three-kids-without-even-trying face. Then yesterday, after I started spotting, as I was desperately looking for any type of encouragement or hope to keep myself from curling up in the corner and rocking myself into an alternate reality, I immediately came upon an article that told me it was nearly impossible for a woman to get pregnant after the age of 35. Less than 8% chance starting at age 35 that decreases by the month? Thanks a lot you son of a bitch.

How am I supposed to relax and stay hopeful when I’m so angry? How cruel is it when you have spotting from 6-7 dpo (classic implantation bleeding - CLASSIC), with headaches, nausea, food aversions , abdominal cramping, perfectly by the book fluids and still start your period at exactly 14 days past ovulation? AARRGGHH!!! I spent the whole day yesterday being furious with God and with my own infertile mass of a body for tricking me into thinking I had chance. Very cruel. Very cruel indeed.

So what am I going to do now?

1) First of all, I do have a consultation appointment with an acupuncturist for next Wednesday. Josh is going with me – did I mention that Josh is my ever-positive-never-let-me-give-up hero?

2) Second, I am going to start Yoga again. They offer yoga classes at my gym and I may even start tonight if I can find (and fit into) my old yoga pants. On second thought, I think I’ll go ahead and avoid that meltdown and buy some new yoga pants at lunch today.

3) I have also decided that maybe if I pamper myself a little bit more I can start to like myself again. I am going to get a pedicure this weekend (I’ve only ever had one) and make an appointment for a massage. I hear reflexology can be an excellent tool for helping out with fertility – but I can’t bear to let anyone touch my feet until I have at least decent feet.


4) I’m also getting a better basal thermometer (the one I bought last month crapped out on me) and keep more accurate tabs on temperature charting as well as stock up on Ovulation Predictor Kits. I started using them a little late in my cycle so I was never really 100% sure when I started my LH surge. Not so this month. Not so…

So it’s time, once again, to pull myself back together. I have a battery charger for my camera now so I’m going to get outside and take some more pictures, and we’re going to see what these changes do for me over the next month.

Now that I think about it, I’m actually a little excited.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Honey - Bringing Sexy Back

Dripping, sticky, full and oozing, sweet, delectable honey. Honey sounds pretty sexy when you put it that way – as well it should. Honey is apparently fertility in a bottle. Okay, maybe not actually fertility in a bottle, but it’s been used for literally thousands of years by women to increase their fertility and their sex drive. Needless to say, I’ve increased my honey intake over the past week by a huge margin and I am definitely looking forward to my feet getting some air time whilst Josh and I do a little baby dancing underneath.

Just finished Round 2 of Clomid this morning - cycle days 5 through 9...ding ding ding...LLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLE!!! We're going for the big KO (or rather, PG). My left ovary (I'm banking on this gal - she's fiesty) has been poking me all day. She's up for it - I can feel it!

In all of my reading, I've come across so many things that every woman (and man for that matter) with infertility issues really needs to know about. If anyone out there is reading this and interested, I highly recommend you read "Personal Path to Pregnancy." You can go to www.personalpathtopregnancy.com and get tons of information. A lot of the changes I've been making are thanks to Beth Kiley who did the research and put it all together.

This is my scripture of encouragement today. I am so thankful to all the women who have voiced their experiences, disappointments, and triumphs. You help keep me going. I pray that I can do the same for one of you. Keep the faith!

"I am eager to encourage you in your faith,
but I also want to be encouraged by yours.
In this way, each of us will be a blessing to the other."
Romans 1:12 [NLT]

Friday, June 11, 2010

Infertility Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clomid

Okay, I’m over it now and ready to start round two of Clomid today! I have promised myself and Josh that I wouldn’t obsess over every little thing again this month, but I wonder how many women say that every month. I guess we’ll see. Luckily, Josh is a patient man (he is with me, anyway).

I am trying to take a more proactive approach this month though:

1) Caffeine is cut – no more coffee with cream and sugar all morning and no more 3 Dr. Peppers a day. Just stupid water all day except for twice a day when I drink two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water, sweetened with honey. Honestly, there isn’t enough honey in the world, but I did learn that a woman’s “reproductive entryway” is naturally acidic and that acids can kill or impede sperm. Apple cider vinegar helps to balance that pH level.

2) I recently learned that saliva is a sperm repellant/killer. This realllllly sucked to learn (pun absolutely intended) but something we needed to know about during those most fertile of days.

3) I tried to find some herbal teas, etc that I could drink that are supposed to help with fertility, but surprisingly, it’s not good to drink them while taking fertility drugs. Some of them were controversial in their recommendations. Green tea, for instance, is used by some women taking Clomid because they say the antioxidants are good for healthier eggs but other women have said that drinking green tea with Clomid should be avoided because it has an adverse effect on the estrogen blockers that Clomid provides so that your ovaries get a nice big estrogen boost for ovulation. I decided not to mess with that. Although herbal teas are good for you, I’ve decided to stay away from anything that might possibly impede what Clomid needs to do.

4) One thing I was very sad to discover was that pineapple juice caused uterine contractions and should be avoided. Guess what I drank a big jug of last month? To be safe, I am drinking only water, 1 cup of decaff coffee in the morning, and that rancid glass of water and apple cider vinegar. Josh took a sip of it the other day so he would know what I’m going through. I love him.

5) I also read that a healthy Body Mass Index (BMI) was between 19 % - 25%. My BMI is almost 28% (round-a-bout 27.8). After doing some calculating, that means I need to lose about 20 pounds. Changing my diet will help with that some, but I need to at least start walking. I plan on digging around and finding my tennies tonight!

6) Oh and speaking of honey (from #1), an ancient Chinese recipe of 2 tblsp honey and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon is supposed to increase fertility. Warning – do not attempt to eat the honey and cinnamon concoction if the cinnamon is not completely mixed in with the honey. Cinnamon powder in your mouth and up your nose is AWFUL.

These are some of the bigger changes I’m making. I’m on day two of my caffeine withdrawal headache. The cup of decaf seemed to help a little. I know there’s a very small amount of caffeine in decaf – plus I think the ritual of making a cup of coffee and sipping it at my desk seemed to calm the edge a little.

So starting today, positive thoughts again – proactive choices to improve fertility chances – a new day. This verse really jumped at me today.
"Whatever is true...think about such things...And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9 (NIV)

Positive thinking, positive prayer.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Disheartening Monday.

Well, I started my period today. Right on schedule. I’ve been giving myself little pep talks all day, telling myself to stay positive, and planning what I’m going to do differently over the next 4 weeks to up the chances…but secretly I loathe my ugly infertile body for being unable to do the one and only thing a woman’s body should naturally do.

I should probably not write anymore tonight.

Off to bed I go.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Lava lamps look like floating cervixes...


Today I am 13 dpo and I have just discovered something else I can check all day and obsess over until I see if that dreaded witch will make an appearance in the next day or two…the position of my cervix! What? I know. I have never really been one to physically explore and take note of what’s going on inside my vajayjay, but now I have a reason.

I still have roadmap veins throughout my bbs and nips, but the question of whether they are darker in color is still under constant scrutiny. I roped Josh into helping me check daily, and since we’ve had this weekend off together, I keep asking him to stop and look at them. The last time I asked him to come look with me, he made a face and looked at the clock. How sad are you when you force your husband to look at your breasts so often he would rather do something else? It made me feel awful and silly. So he now has a reprieve, I’ll just go in the bathroom and check my cervix 14 times today!

Josh has this weekend off and we have been making some radical changes throughout the house. We’ve started cleaning out the front room (that I pray will someday soon be a nursery), and hope to be done with the primary color painting by this evening. I’m also going through and getting rid of lots and lots of junk and clothes. It’s so hard, but more important things are to come and we need more room!!!!

I think my biggest fear right now, if I do in fact start my period in the next few days, is that we missed our window because of my trip to California. I know that not a lot of couples get pregnant their first round of Clomid, and I know that so many women are obsessively going through exactly what I am. The thought of going through this every month is a little disheartening and my heart goes out to those women who have been going through this every month for years. I’m 35 years old now, and I know that my days are becoming numbered and that it just won’t be as easy as it would have been 10 years ago, but I am more ready now than I ever have been. I have a husband who loves me, and who I love, more than I ever could have imagined. He is my best friend and I could not make it through this without him. No matter the outcome, my life will be happy and full with him for the rest of my life.

I just noticed something...Josh's old lava lamp is behind the computer. We found out last night that it still works! Now that I have been internetically educated on what my cervix looks like and the various places it moves, the lava in this lamp looks exactly like a bunch of floating cervixes...weird.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

You Know You're TTC When...


1) You saw TTC and immediately knew what it meant.

2) The big “O” now refers to ovulation, rather than orgasm.

3) You wake up in the morning praying for nausea and vomiting.

4) You check your breasts for signs of changes at least five times a day – come on’ huge nips and interstate road map veins!

5) Although still disgusted by it (and even slightly nauseated by it – hey, nausea!), you are more fascinated by your own CM as well as hearing about everyone else’s CM than you ever thought you would be in your entire life (but still….eww.)

6) You spend more time at work Googling early pregnancy symptoms than you do working.

7) You’re excited about having excessive gas, painful bloating and constipation because you read in several places these are signs of early pregnancy.

8) Acid reflux! High five!

9) You are disappointed that you haven’t had to pee very often this morning. But now that you think about it…you have to go now!

10) You know where all the best light is in order to get a good clear unmistakable view of the pregnancy test strip (but you still close one eye and hold it up close and then wait an additional 10 minutes before throwing it away only to dig it out of the trash a few more times just to make sure).

11) You have a variety of words to represent the "F" in BFN.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Big, Big, Big Sigh…

The ept was negative this morning. I guess no real big surprise or issue there. I am thinking that today I could be anywhere between 8dpo and 10 dpo so it could still be too early to tell. This morning I woke up feeling very pre-menstrual. It is not helpful to read that pregnancy symptoms are very much like pre-menstrual symptoms. THEN THEY’RE NOT PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS!!

I have been so tired lately. I know that is also a “pregnancy symptom” but it could also be a side effect from my weight and bloatiness also known as fat and lazy symptoms! OR I just got home from a long trip and I’m tired symptoms!

When I got to work today, my friend and co-worker in the office adjacent to mine told me that she took a pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive… Positive… Positive… I pray that one day soon I’ll give my family and friends that same news.

It is so hard to stay even keel and not get my hopes up too high, while at the same time to keep my thoughts from turning too negative. Josh is so excited and I don’t want to disappoint him. This weekend we are moving furniture and painting the coolest baby room evah! It’s fun to have a project to plan and work on to keep us busy while we wait obsessively (at least I’m being obsessive, Josh is the wise one who is keeping our minds occupied with redecorating) for the good news. It’s going to be wonderful to bring a baby home to this room that we worked so hard on and put so much joy and love into creating. Josh is the master of positive baby thinking…it’s going to be amazing!

Encouraging Word for the Day, courtesy of Proverbs31.org:

Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (NIV)

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

Dear Lord, thank You for your faithfulness and for the loving kindness You've shown me year after year. Please develop in me a heart of joy. I choose to trust You with my life, and to rejoice amidst my circumstances today. Guide me in my decisions today, to Your glory. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I left my charger in California...

Well I am back after my California adventure, but I am back without my camera battery charger and my camera is dead! I am going crazy without it! Therefore, I'm just posting more pictures from my trip. It’s really nice to see new places and try new things, but I sure do love being at home with Josh. I just do better when we’re together. I love that I have a husband I can’t live without.

Oddly enough, another bodily entity that can’t do without Josh is my left ovary. I was feeling some cramping up until the day I left for Cali (Wednesday), but I didn’t feel a thing for my entire 5 day stay. Then, about two hours into the flight home, probably about the time we crossed over Texas soil, I started feeling some little twinges in my left ovary. By the time Josh got home from work that night, I was really feeling them again. Not so much cramping, but definitely twinges and pressure. I told him they knew he was nearby.

So now that I’m home, and back to normal life, the days of waiting are upon me. I am still five long and evil days away from knowing anything for certain. So to occupy some of my time, I have been logging symptoms, obsessing and Google-ing every itty bitty detail. So much so that sometimes I think perhaps I talk myself into thinking that I do in fact have that symptom. For instance, “metallic taste in mouth” – I had this very taste in my mouth for days only to discover that a filling was gone. Symptom explained! I had symptoms such as: stuffy/runny nose, aches, backache. During this time I was also feeling very nauseas. Turns out, I had a cold and the nausea was from drainage. Four symptoms explained in one shot! One other symptom that I hadn’t been aware of was that a woman’s nipples will darken and/or become bigger, and will be more sensitive. I have never really paid that much attention to my nipples and became very disappointed in myself for not being able to tell whether or not they had changed their appearance. This resulted in my taking frequent trips to the mirror to flash myself and scrutinize every little bit of nipplage color. Turns out they do turn colors after being rubbed and measured thirteen times daily.

To remedy this, I have asked Josh to assist me in the examination . In fact, I have informed him that it is his daily homework assignment. He promised to do a thorough check as often as needed.

The symptoms that I am actually feeling:
1) my nipples are, in fact, sore; they have been sensitive before, but I don’t believe they have ever actually hurt like this, 2) my left ovary is twinging and is actually cramping lightly; from what I’ve read, many Clomid users feel cramping throughout their cycle, 3) I am so tired. I think I could lay my head back on my chair and be out within a few minutes.

I can't stand it so I'm going to take a pregnancy test in the morning.

I'm praying for a positive.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Carrie-Anne’s Guide to Top Drawer Business Traveling

1. When you have a 60 pound booth to set up, do like every other business does and have it shipped ahead of you to the EXACT LOCATION where it is supposed to be assembled. DO NOT have it shipped to the nearest UPS store thinking it would be easier to haul it yourself. Hint: In California, nobody holds the door open for you while you struggle through with your crap.

2. When you go to pick up your rental car, go ahead and pay the additional $5 to get a bigger car. Go ahead and get the $23.50 insurance. They ask you lots of questions really quickly and everything they say seems like the smartest and most sensible thing you ever heard. Just make sure you know that they are talking “per day.” But it’s okay…your company will reimburse you after you get home and explain why you spent an additional $40 a day on a car you’ve driven 18 miles so far. And don’t forget the $10 a day hotel parking fee.

3. Make sure you know what size the refrigerator in your hotel room is before you buy groceries and a 12 pack of beer.

4. Learn this two word phrase, ”Expense it.” This does not, however, apply to a day pass to Disneyland, even though the restaurant you want to eat at, which your company WILL pay for, is inside the park. Hey, a girl has to try!

5. When at a business convention, make sure you bring pens, coffee mugs, candy, something…ANYTHING for people to take. They feign interest in your company until they look down and see you have nothing to offer them other than pricing brochures and a business card. They really don’t care.

6. While at a conference with a big student population in attendance, let them use their big new words like algorithm and hydrological. They know more than you – just ask them. They don’t eat meat and they smoke two packs of cigarettes a day because they love nature.

7. Make GOOD friends with the gal who brought pecan pralines to hand out. BEST friends in fact.
8. Drink all the complimentary coffee you can. It’s the only thing you don’t have to hang on to a receipt for.

9. DO NOT let on to anyone that you are traveling completely by yourself. Otherwise you get asked to dinner by convention attendees and vendors in the booth across from you who don’t care that you are wearing a wedding ring (they certainly don’t care that they’re wearing theirs).

10. It is not advisable that you drink the huge glass of complimentary wine after a very long, busy and emotionally trying day when the only things you have eaten are thin "fancy" crackers and cheese that smells like ass. Well, on second thought, maybe that’s the perfect time for a free drink!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ovaries on the Ceiling...

Right now I am sitting in my exhibition booth in the Anaheim Marriott ballroom at the SPE Regional Conference. It is beautiful here! I’m including some pictures of the gardens and flowers I’ve seen around the hotels and convention center. My gardening self is in heaven!



I have never seen so many birds of paradise! I may have to try growing them at home. I just don’t know how much they would like Northeast Texas.

I am also completely surrounded by men at this conference. Which, being a female engineer, is not uncommon. I find it amusing, though, to watch these men as they meet up in the hotel lobbies and cocktail lounges, and sit around showing each other how big their penises are. I’m speaking metaphorically, of course, but really, why else do they have open urinals?

I think I’ve talked to Josh about 7 times today. It was very lonely waking up this morning alone rather than with Josh and anywhere from 2 to 4 animals on the bed with us. I even positioned some of the pillows so that my feet had no room to move - just like home!

The lights above my head in the Exhibit Hall remind me of my ovaries. Hey, could that be a fertilized egg I see?

Monday, May 24, 2010

Working Ovary Time


I have never been so in tune with my body. Prior to May 16th I had no idea that it was possible to “feel” my ovaries. I have felt them swell, ache, cramp, respond to hormones and I’m pretty sure that yesterday afternoon my left ovary was piping Barry White through my fallopian tubes.

And so it has been - Josh and I at the mercy of my reproductive system. Tomorrow morning I leave for my business trip and won’t be back until Sunday afternoon (4 nights away). By all the extensive calculating I’ve been doing, and banking on Clomid giving my ovaries a metaphorical swift kick in the pants, I should be ovulating as I type. I don’t know if ovarian cramping is any indication that ovulation is about to take place, but I have definitely been feeling some pressure from the gal on the left for the past few days. I’m banking on the fact that she’s my over achiever.

I must say that I have absolutely loved the past five days with Josh. We were just talking at lunch today about how much fun it is to plan our rendezvous, especially during my lunch hour (which the past few work days has been more like 2 hours). It’s like we have our own little secret – our own special world together where we just enjoy each other. Then we both go on about our days with a mischievous little smirk, a little less stressed for the rest of the day.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Meet Gerbie, the Garden Monster...


This is my Garden Monster, Gerbie. He’s in charge of keeping the cats from peeing on my ferns.

Well, in between work and all the baby making, Josh and I worked in the yard yesterday and gave our three dogs baths. I still have a hydrangea bush, a rose bush and three plants to get in the ground, but I’m getting closer to having an awesome front yard. I had a nice little gardening surprise yesterday...it looks like we’re going to have pumpkins! I can’t wait to watch them grow!

Things have been so busy lately…which is a blessing for my brain. The more I have to do, the less time I spend sitting around giving pep talks to my ovaries.

Josh and I are staying positive. We are enjoying planning our rendezvous. I am taking a business trip to Anaheim this week and will be gone from Wednesday morning until Sunday afternoon. Dr. S gave us a 10 day ovulation window and my trip will cut into a couple of those days, but my peak ovulation is, fortunately, the days just before I leave. Josh works the 3-11pm shift so lunchtime will fast become an exciting time for us, and will undoubtedly relieve the afternoon stress at work!

My advice - plan some afternoon delights with your man!

Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. —Ecclesiastes 9:9

Friday, May 21, 2010

OK Boys, DO YOUR DUTY!!


Eggs meet sperm. Sperm, GET ‘EM!!

Gentlemen, over the next 10 days you will engage in a full blown assault! I’m talking to YOU semen! Don’t dilly dally around the cervix like a bunch of whiny school girls…YOU’RE MEN!! Charge the cervix! Find the egg! Victory is yours men!

CHAAAARGE!!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Round one complete…


Well I have just taken my fifth and final pill on my first round of Clomid. *deep breath, let it out slow*

I’ve read so many stories of women with first round success stories or third round success stories, but also very sad and painful stories. I’ve read about women, like myself, who have thought they have been pregnant, shown all the early symptoms and let the excitement creep in, only to feel disappointment when they started their next cycle.

Every one of these women with stories of false positives and disappointments have said, ”Maybe next month,” or “We’ll try another round and maybe then my body will be ready.” These women are so brave and so determined NOT to let their hopes falter. These women, like me, want to experience the rawest, purest form of being a woman pregnant with a child – to feel our bodies swelling and changing and growing new life within us. Is it possible to ‘will’ yourself to be pregnant? If it were, I have no doubt there would be a lot more happy new mommies out there!

I am pretty bad about worrying. I think about things and I rethink them and then I reenact scenarios and look at all possible ways to and from and around the thing that I am worrying about. I am learning to take a proactive approach in every worrying instance in order to face more circumstances head on. And I’ve also learned that I don’t need to be involved in everything in order to feel like I’m doing something. Taking a step back from filling up my schedule outside of work with personal commitments has really helped me get my life back into perspective and I get so much more enjoyment out of my daily life than ever before.

"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:27 (NIV)

I pray that God continues to work in my life and in Josh’s life. I pray for the strength to persevere no matter the outcome. My faith and my trust are in God. Guide me in the direction of Your will.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

“Fertility drug,” I pondered…


The past couple of days at work have been fast paced 12 hour long exhausting days. I didn’t use commas in that sentence because lately there have been no commas in my day. With my body doing weird Clomid things, it’s certainly made life more interesting throughout the day. I was very tired last night and climbed into bed about two hours later than I had hoped. It was a little chilly in our room and as I crawled under the sheets I made this comment to Josh, “I hope the hot flashes come back again soon so I can warm up.” Well, I would like to formally redact that statement. I made this declaration to Josh at about 3:30am. I didn’t think he heard me, so I woke him up and told him again.

I sometimes wonder how in the world any of us made it through life without the knowledge power of the internet. I am a Google-maniac. I love researching. Any question or interest I have, I always check out what the internet community has to say about it; the more information and stories and experiences I can find, the better. I don’t know what I would have done the past several weeks had it not been for the internet. I have found so many women who have gone through exactly what Josh and I have been going through. My heart goes out to every single woman whose stories and experiences I have read. It’s very comforting to know that I’m not alone.

After my lab work, blood test, sonogram, Josh’s lab work, my (terribly painful) HSG all came back normal (with the exception of the HSG – I had one slightly blocked tube that opened up during the test), Dr. S said we would start Clomid. “I’m sorry what was that?” I asked using my best infomercial imitation. “Clomid,” Dr. S confidently replied. “It’s a fertility drug that will give your ovaries a little ovulation booster.”

“Fertility drug,” I pondered. Hmmmm….My only knowledge of fertility drugs were of octomoms, john-plus-kates, and the like. In all honesty, I really didn’t have that much knowledge about my entire reproductive system. From the beginning of all of this, I stumbled through the medical questions they asked me, not knowing many of the terms they were using or what they were even asking me. I could probably calculate the math behind the control systems of the sonogram equipment they used, but ask me a medical question and you will not get an intelligent response. I even showed up for my sonogram (cycle day 1) unshaven and wearing a tampon because I thought they were just going to rub some gel on my belly and run that scanner around over my ‘above surface’ uterine area to check things out. I didn’t find out that Dr. S was going subsurface until they were all in the room and I had a sheet wrapped around my lower half. I had to get back off the table and run to the restroom. I kept wondering why I had to undress!

It’s so comforting to know that lots of women are going through what I am. It’s comforting to know that I have a husband who loves me and is going through all of this with me – every second of it. It’s comforting to know that God is with me through all of the pain and uncomfortable circumstances. My faith is in Him. He knows what is best and He is preparing us for what He has in store.

Psalm 27:13, "I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." (NKJV)

God Bless!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Day three of Clomid and I am really feeling the effects. My sense of balance is WAY off, seriously. I woke up last night with major hot flashes and even got up and turned down the air conditioner. Fah-reezing cold this morning! I haven’t really noticed any mood swings yet. My co-worker told me otherwise but I told her to mind her own *beep*ing business and shut the *beep**beep* door. I also get these waves of achiness, like I’m getting sick. I haven’t been taking my temp or anything, but I’m guessing that’s what that’s all about. I don’t feel as fatigued as I did yesterday, but I also had no choice but to get to work as early as I could to meet some deadlines. One of which is coming up in about an hour that I should be working on instead of pouring over my Clomidness. I just can’t concentrate. And I can. not. stop. peeing!

By the way, is it just me or does my hibiscus flower seem to have an attitude today?

Monday, May 17, 2010

Bottoms up (not mine, the glass)....


Well, second day of Clomid is down the chute, or hatch, whichever. Not the big pomp and circumstance I gave it yesterday, but still excited to be taking it none the less. It’s Monday morning and hard to be excited about too much.

So let’s talk a little more about Clomid. I had never heard of it before March 29, 2010 and had no idea that people I knew have taken it and had babies! I read some of the side effects that were possible from taking it: headaches, bloating, dizziness, pelvic/abdominal pain, nausea, fatigue…I think the only side effects I’ve experience are dizziness and fatigue. I was at Wal-Mart yesterday and as I bent over to put a movie I picked out of the $5 bin into my basket, the whole thing spun around on me. I’m feeling it a little bit as I sit here at my desk. I did see one side effect that said possible weight loss and I am beside myself with anticipation waiting for that one to kick in!

Planning and hoping for a baby has made me reflect quite a bit on my past. I am a preacher’s daughter and was brought up loving Jesus and devoting time to the church and our church family. Like a lot of young people, once I got out of the house and gained some independence, I rebelled against so many of the people, traditions and scripture I was brought up to respect and love. My lapse lasted a few years and like so many I soon found my way home again. But during that time, I did some things that I am not proud of. At times I have feared that my infertility was a punishment for my times of being a wayward daughter. I had to find a way to forgive myself before I was able to accept God’s forgiveness. I kept allowing my past sins to haunt me and keep me from allowing God to cleanse my soul. It took several days of me down on my knees and praying for a way to forgive myself, but with God’s help, I have finally found the peace I needed within. Today, I allow those scars to serve as a reminder to me that I should never stray again from the path of God’s will, but I will never allow them to keep me from God’s love.

This is an excerpt from www.proverbs31.org. This is a wonderful daily devotional and most mornings, it really hits the spot! I hope it helps someone else out there too:

"Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs." Isaiah 61:7

Consider the years of your life you feel might have been wasted. Reread and memorize Isaiah 61:7, today's key verse. Cast away your shame and look for your double portion of inheritance. Rejoice in God's mercy and grace.

Dear Lord, thank You for having mercy on me. Display Your will for my life. Enable me to fulfill the gifts and call in my life, so that others will understand Your grace and mighty power. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


I highly recommend checking out this website!! It is designed to give daily encouragement to women. Many days I leave it open on my desktop so that occasionally I see it throughout the day.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

It's Clomid day!


Well, today's the day! Today I begin taking the fertility drug Clomid. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. Should I just take it now? I think I will. Drum roll please\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/...Ta daaaaa! Crash! Boom!

And now we wait...

There sure is a lot of waiting involved in baby making. Have sex these carefully planned days. Then wait for a sign....Oooh my breasts are really sore and I seem to be peeing a lot today. Is it because I'm pregnant or because I'm about to start my period and I've been drinking a lot of water today? "Have you missed your period yet? No? Then you have to wait." ... Hey I'm spotting a little early this cycle....Is it implantation bleeding or have I totally screwed up my cycle with all of this anticipation? "Have you missed your period yet? No? Then you have to wait." I took five pregnancy tests when I started spotting early. Five. Then, six days later when I did have my period, it was AWFUL. Nurse Laura said there was no way to tell if I had been pregnant, but at least my body was responding to changes we've been making. So she called in the Rx for Clomid, and we wait until my 5th cycle day. It's here! yay! Now I wait until my 6th cycle day and take another pill, and so on through my 9th cycle day. Then my ovaries are open for business for the next 10 days, we go at it, have some good times, and then we wait again to see if there's a baby in there.

The cool part is that we are doing SOMETHING. We went years without asking for medical help. But I was in school and it was important to me to graduate and start a career. Now, good people are working with us to make this happen. Lots of loving Christians are praying for us that this will happen.

Dear Lord, keep our spirits up. My life, my strength and my hope are in You. Thank you for the blessings in my life. Thank you for my family who loves me. Thank you for the waiting - because it keeps my goals in perspective - it makes me a little crazy(er) but it teaches me patience and makes me so aware of the simpleness of day to day. Bless Josh - he is such an awesome man, and is going to make the funnest, craziest, most loving, protective and awesome dad ever!


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Meet my loving man...


This is me and Josh. He's my hero.

Ugh this is not how I looked in my head. The camera adds 10 pounds and a second chin right? There were like 4 cameras pointing at me. I did not want to post it, but this blog is about getting it all out on the table, so screw it I'm posting it.

Naturally, we're at a restaurant and I'm about to start eating. Hey get this off the table!
Hello from my phone!

30 pounds...

So I've looked at a few different websites and weight calculators, and apparently I am about 30 pounds overweight. I am 5'8" and I weigh 180lbs. My BMI is 27%. Body Mass Index. For the longest time I though BMI was bowel movement infrequency. At this point I hate the acronym anyway.

I remember the first time I fit into a size 5 pair of jeans. I was 26 years old and dating a real jerk. The only good thing he did for me was make me feel so stupid and inadequate that I ran four miles a day and went back to college. Thanks dumbass! Hey now there's a therapy session right there. Anyway, that day was a turning point for me. It was so empowering, my self confidence was so high.

I also remember the first time I bought a size 14 pair of jeans. It was two weeks ago. I felt so out of control and small (ironic). I am aware of my weight all the time. Especially since I've gained it so quickly. I can see the surprise in people's eyes who haven't seen me much over the last year. I can see the pain for me in my mom's eyes when I get upset about it. I've even caught J looking at me to see if that's my side fat, or just my shirt billowing out. I know he didn't mean for me to realize it, and I know he wasn't being malicious about it, I'm just shaped differently now. I need to say that he truly is so wonderful to me, and he always makes me feel so beautiful. But walking back to the rack, putting back the size 12 jeans and taking down the 14's, it was a lifechanging experience. I seriously need to get a grip.

I am so tired of being embarassed of myself.

Dear Lord, please give me strength, self-control, and help me learn to love myself again.

Only one thing...

"You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42 (NIV)

I AM worried and upset about things. Obviously so, or I wouldn't be taking medication for it! One of the hardest things to do is to turn your worries over to the Lord. When I worry about things, I guess I feel that as long as I have it first and foremost in my mind, then it's still mine and by constantly and greviously rolling it over in my mind I can somehow get control over it. Of course that's ridiculous. The best thing I can do it turn it over to the Lord and trust that whatever the outcome, God will get me through it. Whatever the outcome, God has a plan. I know that he will use every single moment of my life - good or bad - for his glory. Nothing I have ever said or done has been wasted. Because either a lesson has been learned, I can comfort someone going through siminar tribulations...there are any number of circumstances that only someone who has been experienced it will understand - good and bad.

After this past week of thinking I was pregnant, I spent every single second being aware of the fact that I might be pregnant. It was wonderful. I felt younger, I felt like a full and lucious woman, I felt calmer, I felt blessed, I felt such incredible tenderness, excitement and security from Josh and this, coming from a man who already makes me feel beautiful, safe and loved. It was a wonderful 5 days. Tomorrow I start taking Clomid. I am excited about the prospect of another month of trying for a baby. I am a little nervous too. I want to feel that again. So I am praying that I can turn this over to God. I pray that I will be strong and accepting of what he has in store. And at the same time, I pray that I become pregnant soon.

This bible verse is another perfect reminder for me. I do have lots of things that I am worried about - but there is only one thing that is needed..and that is faith in God that He has a plan for me and for Josh.

God Bless!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Excited and hopeful...

Well, after spending five days thinking I was pregnant. Mother Nature told me otherwise. Sad face. But after talking with Josh, we decided it was a good sign that SOMETHING happened. I mean, NOTHING has been happening so SOMETHING is a welcome change.

I called Nurse Laura at the OB’s office and she called in my prescription for Clomid. 50mg a day. This will be my first time taking fertility drugs. I start taking it Sunday. “Take the Clomid on cycle days 5-9 and then intercourse every other day on days 10-20. Just remember to have fun and not make it a chore.” Josh will be delighted to hear this!

Yesterday I bought some prenatal vitamins. Today I am only drinking water (okay ONE Dr. Pepper) and having a cob salad from United for lunch with Kraft balsamic vinaigrette salad dressing..yummy! No snacking this afternoon and spaghetti with olive oil and a little parmesan for dinner.

I know I need to start walking or something again. I HAVE to. I can’t take this. And I am so afraid that if and when I do get pregnant, I will gain 50 more pounds and completely lose sight of me. Sooo onward to a better me!!! Ah-hem. I sort of talked around that because it’s raining outside. I do have an exercise bike at home. The only problem is that my one eyed cat Sheldon and dogs Maggie and Lucy have to be near me and I’m always afraid I’ll kick them with the pedal. It's an excuse though. Maybe I will put them outside and ride the bike while watching The Office. There. Blah.

Speaking of prescriptions, Walgreens now has Rx pickup texting. I love this! I am currently taking Lexapro for my anxiety/depression aka crazy issues, and I signed up for texting notifications. It’s great! I just received a text from them so I know Laura has called in my Clomid Rx. Which means more baby making hopes are on the way.

This verse really gave me comfort yesterday when I was so sad:

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4 (NIV)

Nice reminder. Thanks www.proverbs31.org daily devotion!

Welcome to my blog...

Hello world. I am starting this blog to keep myself from completely losing my mind. I am in my thirties, married, trying to get pregnant, trying to lose weight, trying to excel in my career... I've been diagnosed with some issues...anxiety/depression/infertility. Over the last 3 1/2 years I have gained 50lbs. 30 of those pounds I gained in the last year. I have some issues but my sweet husband loves me regardless. I am a very lucky girl. I am hoping this blog will help me sort through some things, help me make some goals for myself, and hold me accountable for them.

Let's see how it goes!!