Thursday, March 17, 2011
Monday, August 9, 2010
Change of Pace
Well, my pregnancy frustrations are at a stand still. I am now in my mini break from Clomid and I have to admit that I’m a little relieved to be able to give my mind a break from the daily obsessions.
Starting today, I'm trying a crazy new diet. Right now, I don’t even care what people think or say about this diet. Just like I don’t care what people think or say about me changing so many things in my life to try to get pregnant. I’ve discovered that no one knows what I’m going through but me (and Josh at least for the pregnancy stuff). People who don’t know what it feels like to NOT be able to get pregnant, and people who don’t know what it feels like to be overweight seem to be the most critical and the most ready to offer their opinions of “you’re doing it wrong” or “you know that’s not really going to help, don’t you?” or “you’re trying too hard” or “are you sure that’s the best thing?” or my absolute favorite “have you read anything about that?”
I have given up so many things that I love. I have forced myself to eat and drink things that I can’t stand. I have become a slave to so many books and blogs and websites I’ve read to try to become pregnant: drink this, don’t eat that, exercise, don’t exercise, have sex these days but not those, stuff your face with vitamins, green tea is good for you, no wait, green tea is counteractive to Clomid, drink juice, but pineapple juice causes uterine contractions, no caffeine, no stress, take your temperature the exact same time every day, check the position of your cervix, chart your bodily fluids, are you having cramps or just twinges?, do your breasts have veins?, are you suffering from headaches?, do your nipples hurt?, does your back hurt?, what kind of dreams are you having?, do you really have these symptoms or are you making it up?, no stress, no stress, relax, relax, RELAX, RELAX.
I cannot continue this every day, every month…month after month. What if it takes me three years to get pregnant? Should I keep up this obsessive lifestyle? No. I can’t. In the last year, I have gone from a size 8 to a size 14. My body has rebelled against me – and I against it. I have to try to fix myself right now. I owe it to myself to love myself. I owe it to my husband to not be ashamed of myself, because I know he loves me, and I want him to be able to enjoy me and my body without my own self-conscious reservations.
Starting today, I'm trying a crazy new diet. Right now, I don’t even care what people think or say about this diet. Just like I don’t care what people think or say about me changing so many things in my life to try to get pregnant. I’ve discovered that no one knows what I’m going through but me (and Josh at least for the pregnancy stuff). People who don’t know what it feels like to NOT be able to get pregnant, and people who don’t know what it feels like to be overweight seem to be the most critical and the most ready to offer their opinions of “you’re doing it wrong” or “you know that’s not really going to help, don’t you?” or “you’re trying too hard” or “are you sure that’s the best thing?” or my absolute favorite “have you read anything about that?”
I have given up so many things that I love. I have forced myself to eat and drink things that I can’t stand. I have become a slave to so many books and blogs and websites I’ve read to try to become pregnant: drink this, don’t eat that, exercise, don’t exercise, have sex these days but not those, stuff your face with vitamins, green tea is good for you, no wait, green tea is counteractive to Clomid, drink juice, but pineapple juice causes uterine contractions, no caffeine, no stress, take your temperature the exact same time every day, check the position of your cervix, chart your bodily fluids, are you having cramps or just twinges?, do your breasts have veins?, are you suffering from headaches?, do your nipples hurt?, does your back hurt?, what kind of dreams are you having?, do you really have these symptoms or are you making it up?, no stress, no stress, relax, relax, RELAX, RELAX.
I cannot continue this every day, every month…month after month. What if it takes me three years to get pregnant? Should I keep up this obsessive lifestyle? No. I can’t. In the last year, I have gone from a size 8 to a size 14. My body has rebelled against me – and I against it. I have to try to fix myself right now. I owe it to myself to love myself. I owe it to my husband to not be ashamed of myself, because I know he loves me, and I want him to be able to enjoy me and my body without my own self-conscious reservations.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Infertility Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Blastocyst
Well I’m back. I had decided a few weeks ago that perhaps I was not making the situation any better by obsessing daily over everything I felt over the evil, twisted "two week wait." So I decided not to get on here and pour all over every little twinge and ache. Boy was I wrong. All I achieved was keeping it all tucked away inside and then falling apart when I started spotting yesterday. I was even kind of mean to my mom which really made me feel like crap. Plus, I really missed writing in this corner of my world. It gives me a chance to get things out and work through the doubts and crazies.
Actually, I did try to talk to a few people. I was at a baby shower a couple of weeks ago (of all places to be) and a friend asked me how I was feeling and how everything was going. I started talking to her about some of my fears and frustrations and it really felt good to say some things out loud. She told me I should seek counseling and pay someone to be forced to sit and listen to me. Next time don’t bother to ask, okay? Another day, I told a lady that I was considering acupuncture. She laughed and made some comment about how I should know that it really wouldn’t help my chances but that she knew it would make me feel better to try. It made me so furious that I wanted to slap her in her already-has-three-kids-without-even-trying face. Then yesterday, after I started spotting, as I was desperately looking for any type of encouragement or hope to keep myself from curling up in the corner and rocking myself into an alternate reality, I immediately came upon an article that told me it was nearly impossible for a woman to get pregnant after the age of 35. Less than 8% chance starting at age 35 that decreases by the month? Thanks a lot you son of a bitch.
How am I supposed to relax and stay hopeful when I’m so angry? How cruel is it when you have spotting from 6-7 dpo (classic implantation bleeding - CLASSIC), with headaches, nausea, food aversions , abdominal cramping, perfectly by the book fluids and still start your period at exactly 14 days past ovulation? AARRGGHH!!! I spent the whole day yesterday being furious with God and with my own infertile mass of a body for tricking me into thinking I had chance. Very cruel. Very cruel indeed.
So what am I going to do now?
1) First of all, I do have a consultation appointment with an acupuncturist for next Wednesday. Josh is going with me – did I mention that Josh is my ever-positive-never-let-me-give-up hero?
2) Second, I am going to start Yoga again. They offer yoga classes at my gym and I may even start tonight if I can find (and fit into) my old yoga pants. On second thought, I think I’ll go ahead and avoid that meltdown and buy some new yoga pants at lunch today.
3) I have also decided that maybe if I pamper myself a little bit more I can start to like myself again. I am going to get a pedicure this weekend (I’ve only ever had one) and make an appointment for a massage. I hear reflexology can be an excellent tool for helping out with fertility – but I can’t bear to let anyone touch my feet until I have at least decent feet.
4) I’m also getting a better basal thermometer (the one I bought last month crapped out on me) and keep more accurate tabs on temperature charting as well as stock up on Ovulation Predictor Kits. I started using them a little late in my cycle so I was never really 100% sure when I started my LH surge. Not so this month. Not so…
So it’s time, once again, to pull myself back together. I have a battery charger for my camera now so I’m going to get outside and take some more pictures, and we’re going to see what these changes do for me over the next month.
Now that I think about it, I’m actually a little excited.
Actually, I did try to talk to a few people. I was at a baby shower a couple of weeks ago (of all places to be) and a friend asked me how I was feeling and how everything was going. I started talking to her about some of my fears and frustrations and it really felt good to say some things out loud. She told me I should seek counseling and pay someone to be forced to sit and listen to me. Next time don’t bother to ask, okay? Another day, I told a lady that I was considering acupuncture. She laughed and made some comment about how I should know that it really wouldn’t help my chances but that she knew it would make me feel better to try. It made me so furious that I wanted to slap her in her already-has-three-kids-without-even-trying face. Then yesterday, after I started spotting, as I was desperately looking for any type of encouragement or hope to keep myself from curling up in the corner and rocking myself into an alternate reality, I immediately came upon an article that told me it was nearly impossible for a woman to get pregnant after the age of 35. Less than 8% chance starting at age 35 that decreases by the month? Thanks a lot you son of a bitch.
How am I supposed to relax and stay hopeful when I’m so angry? How cruel is it when you have spotting from 6-7 dpo (classic implantation bleeding - CLASSIC), with headaches, nausea, food aversions , abdominal cramping, perfectly by the book fluids and still start your period at exactly 14 days past ovulation? AARRGGHH!!! I spent the whole day yesterday being furious with God and with my own infertile mass of a body for tricking me into thinking I had chance. Very cruel. Very cruel indeed.
So what am I going to do now?
1) First of all, I do have a consultation appointment with an acupuncturist for next Wednesday. Josh is going with me – did I mention that Josh is my ever-positive-never-let-me-give-up hero?
2) Second, I am going to start Yoga again. They offer yoga classes at my gym and I may even start tonight if I can find (and fit into) my old yoga pants. On second thought, I think I’ll go ahead and avoid that meltdown and buy some new yoga pants at lunch today.
3) I have also decided that maybe if I pamper myself a little bit more I can start to like myself again. I am going to get a pedicure this weekend (I’ve only ever had one) and make an appointment for a massage. I hear reflexology can be an excellent tool for helping out with fertility – but I can’t bear to let anyone touch my feet until I have at least decent feet.
4) I’m also getting a better basal thermometer (the one I bought last month crapped out on me) and keep more accurate tabs on temperature charting as well as stock up on Ovulation Predictor Kits. I started using them a little late in my cycle so I was never really 100% sure when I started my LH surge. Not so this month. Not so…
So it’s time, once again, to pull myself back together. I have a battery charger for my camera now so I’m going to get outside and take some more pictures, and we’re going to see what these changes do for me over the next month.
Now that I think about it, I’m actually a little excited.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Honey - Bringing Sexy Back
Dripping, sticky, full and oozing, sweet, delectable honey. Honey sounds pretty sexy when you put it that way – as well it should. Honey is apparently fertility in a bottle. Okay, maybe not actually fertility in a bottle, but it’s been used for literally thousands of years by women to increase their fertility and their sex drive. Needless to say, I’ve increased my honey intake over the past week by a huge margin and I am definitely looking forward to my feet getting some air time whilst Josh and I do a little baby dancing underneath.
Just finished Round 2 of Clomid this morning - cycle days 5 through 9...ding ding ding...LLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLE!!! We're going for the big KO (or rather, PG). My left ovary (I'm banking on this gal - she's fiesty) has been poking me all day. She's up for it - I can feel it!
In all of my reading, I've come across so many things that every woman (and man for that matter) with infertility issues really needs to know about. If anyone out there is reading this and interested, I highly recommend you read "Personal Path to Pregnancy." You can go to www.personalpathtopregnancy.com and get tons of information. A lot of the changes I've been making are thanks to Beth Kiley who did the research and put it all together.
This is my scripture of encouragement today. I am so thankful to all the women who have voiced their experiences, disappointments, and triumphs. You help keep me going. I pray that I can do the same for one of you. Keep the faith!
"I am eager to encourage you in your faith,
but I also want to be encouraged by yours.
In this way, each of us will be a blessing to the other."
Romans 1:12 [NLT]
Just finished Round 2 of Clomid this morning - cycle days 5 through 9...ding ding ding...LLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLE!!! We're going for the big KO (or rather, PG). My left ovary (I'm banking on this gal - she's fiesty) has been poking me all day. She's up for it - I can feel it!
In all of my reading, I've come across so many things that every woman (and man for that matter) with infertility issues really needs to know about. If anyone out there is reading this and interested, I highly recommend you read "Personal Path to Pregnancy." You can go to www.personalpathtopregnancy.com and get tons of information. A lot of the changes I've been making are thanks to Beth Kiley who did the research and put it all together.
This is my scripture of encouragement today. I am so thankful to all the women who have voiced their experiences, disappointments, and triumphs. You help keep me going. I pray that I can do the same for one of you. Keep the faith!
"I am eager to encourage you in your faith,
but I also want to be encouraged by yours.
In this way, each of us will be a blessing to the other."
Romans 1:12 [NLT]
Friday, June 11, 2010
Infertility Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clomid
Okay, I’m over it now and ready to start round two of Clomid today! I have promised myself and Josh that I wouldn’t obsess over every little thing again this month, but I wonder how many women say that every month. I guess we’ll see. Luckily, Josh is a patient man (he is with me, anyway).
I am trying to take a more proactive approach this month though:
1) Caffeine is cut – no more coffee with cream and sugar all morning and no more 3 Dr. Peppers a day. Just stupid water all day except for twice a day when I drink two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water, sweetened with honey. Honestly, there isn’t enough honey in the world, but I did learn that a woman’s “reproductive entryway” is naturally acidic and that acids can kill or impede sperm. Apple cider vinegar helps to balance that pH level.
2) I recently learned that saliva is a sperm repellant/killer. This realllllly sucked to learn (pun absolutely intended) but something we needed to know about during those most fertile of days.
3) I tried to find some herbal teas, etc that I could drink that are supposed to help with fertility, but surprisingly, it’s not good to drink them while taking fertility drugs. Some of them were controversial in their recommendations. Green tea, for instance, is used by some women taking Clomid because they say the antioxidants are good for healthier eggs but other women have said that drinking green tea with Clomid should be avoided because it has an adverse effect on the estrogen blockers that Clomid provides so that your ovaries get a nice big estrogen boost for ovulation. I decided not to mess with that. Although herbal teas are good for you, I’ve decided to stay away from anything that might possibly impede what Clomid needs to do.
4) One thing I was very sad to discover was that pineapple juice caused uterine contractions and should be avoided. Guess what I drank a big jug of last month? To be safe, I am drinking only water, 1 cup of decaff coffee in the morning, and that rancid glass of water and apple cider vinegar. Josh took a sip of it the other day so he would know what I’m going through. I love him.
5) I also read that a healthy Body Mass Index (BMI) was between 19 % - 25%. My BMI is almost 28% (round-a-bout 27.8). After doing some calculating, that means I need to lose about 20 pounds. Changing my diet will help with that some, but I need to at least start walking. I plan on digging around and finding my tennies tonight!
6) Oh and speaking of honey (from #1), an ancient Chinese recipe of 2 tblsp honey and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon is supposed to increase fertility. Warning – do not attempt to eat the honey and cinnamon concoction if the cinnamon is not completely mixed in with the honey. Cinnamon powder in your mouth and up your nose is AWFUL.
These are some of the bigger changes I’m making. I’m on day two of my caffeine withdrawal headache. The cup of decaf seemed to help a little. I know there’s a very small amount of caffeine in decaf – plus I think the ritual of making a cup of coffee and sipping it at my desk seemed to calm the edge a little.
So starting today, positive thoughts again – proactive choices to improve fertility chances – a new day. This verse really jumped at me today.
"Whatever is true...think about such things...And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9 (NIV)
Positive thinking, positive prayer.
I am trying to take a more proactive approach this month though:
1) Caffeine is cut – no more coffee with cream and sugar all morning and no more 3 Dr. Peppers a day. Just stupid water all day except for twice a day when I drink two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water, sweetened with honey. Honestly, there isn’t enough honey in the world, but I did learn that a woman’s “reproductive entryway” is naturally acidic and that acids can kill or impede sperm. Apple cider vinegar helps to balance that pH level.
2) I recently learned that saliva is a sperm repellant/killer. This realllllly sucked to learn (pun absolutely intended) but something we needed to know about during those most fertile of days.
3) I tried to find some herbal teas, etc that I could drink that are supposed to help with fertility, but surprisingly, it’s not good to drink them while taking fertility drugs. Some of them were controversial in their recommendations. Green tea, for instance, is used by some women taking Clomid because they say the antioxidants are good for healthier eggs but other women have said that drinking green tea with Clomid should be avoided because it has an adverse effect on the estrogen blockers that Clomid provides so that your ovaries get a nice big estrogen boost for ovulation. I decided not to mess with that. Although herbal teas are good for you, I’ve decided to stay away from anything that might possibly impede what Clomid needs to do.
4) One thing I was very sad to discover was that pineapple juice caused uterine contractions and should be avoided. Guess what I drank a big jug of last month? To be safe, I am drinking only water, 1 cup of decaff coffee in the morning, and that rancid glass of water and apple cider vinegar. Josh took a sip of it the other day so he would know what I’m going through. I love him.
5) I also read that a healthy Body Mass Index (BMI) was between 19 % - 25%. My BMI is almost 28% (round-a-bout 27.8). After doing some calculating, that means I need to lose about 20 pounds. Changing my diet will help with that some, but I need to at least start walking. I plan on digging around and finding my tennies tonight!
6) Oh and speaking of honey (from #1), an ancient Chinese recipe of 2 tblsp honey and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon is supposed to increase fertility. Warning – do not attempt to eat the honey and cinnamon concoction if the cinnamon is not completely mixed in with the honey. Cinnamon powder in your mouth and up your nose is AWFUL.
These are some of the bigger changes I’m making. I’m on day two of my caffeine withdrawal headache. The cup of decaf seemed to help a little. I know there’s a very small amount of caffeine in decaf – plus I think the ritual of making a cup of coffee and sipping it at my desk seemed to calm the edge a little.
So starting today, positive thoughts again – proactive choices to improve fertility chances – a new day. This verse really jumped at me today.
"Whatever is true...think about such things...And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9 (NIV)
Positive thinking, positive prayer.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Disheartening Monday.
Well, I started my period today. Right on schedule. I’ve been giving myself little pep talks all day, telling myself to stay positive, and planning what I’m going to do differently over the next 4 weeks to up the chances…but secretly I loathe my ugly infertile body for being unable to do the one and only thing a woman’s body should naturally do.
I should probably not write anymore tonight.
Off to bed I go.
I should probably not write anymore tonight.
Off to bed I go.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Lava lamps look like floating cervixes...
Today I am 13 dpo and I have just discovered something else I can check all day and obsess over until I see if that dreaded witch will make an appearance in the next day or two…the position of my cervix! What? I know. I have never really been one to physically explore and take note of what’s going on inside my vajayjay, but now I have a reason.
I still have roadmap veins throughout my bbs and nips, but the question of whether they are darker in color is still under constant scrutiny. I roped Josh into helping me check daily, and since we’ve had this weekend off together, I keep asking him to stop and look at them. The last time I asked him to come look with me, he made a face and looked at the clock. How sad are you when you force your husband to look at your breasts so often he would rather do something else? It made me feel awful and silly. So he now has a reprieve, I’ll just go in the bathroom and check my cervix 14 times today!
Josh has this weekend off and we have been making some radical changes throughout the house. We’ve started cleaning out the front room (that I pray will someday soon be a nursery), and hope to be done with the primary color painting by this evening. I’m also going through and getting rid of lots and lots of junk and clothes. It’s so hard, but more important things are to come and we need more room!!!!
I think my biggest fear right now, if I do in fact start my period in the next few days, is that we missed our window because of my trip to California. I know that not a lot of couples get pregnant their first round of Clomid, and I know that so many women are obsessively going through exactly what I am. The thought of going through this every month is a little disheartening and my heart goes out to those women who have been going through this every month for years. I’m 35 years old now, and I know that my days are becoming numbered and that it just won’t be as easy as it would have been 10 years ago, but I am more ready now than I ever have been. I have a husband who loves me, and who I love, more than I ever could have imagined. He is my best friend and I could not make it through this without him. No matter the outcome, my life will be happy and full with him for the rest of my life.
I just noticed something...Josh's old lava lamp is behind the computer. We found out last night that it still works! Now that I have been internetically educated on what my cervix looks like and the various places it moves, the lava in this lamp looks exactly like a bunch of floating cervixes...weird.
I still have roadmap veins throughout my bbs and nips, but the question of whether they are darker in color is still under constant scrutiny. I roped Josh into helping me check daily, and since we’ve had this weekend off together, I keep asking him to stop and look at them. The last time I asked him to come look with me, he made a face and looked at the clock. How sad are you when you force your husband to look at your breasts so often he would rather do something else? It made me feel awful and silly. So he now has a reprieve, I’ll just go in the bathroom and check my cervix 14 times today!
Josh has this weekend off and we have been making some radical changes throughout the house. We’ve started cleaning out the front room (that I pray will someday soon be a nursery), and hope to be done with the primary color painting by this evening. I’m also going through and getting rid of lots and lots of junk and clothes. It’s so hard, but more important things are to come and we need more room!!!!
I think my biggest fear right now, if I do in fact start my period in the next few days, is that we missed our window because of my trip to California. I know that not a lot of couples get pregnant their first round of Clomid, and I know that so many women are obsessively going through exactly what I am. The thought of going through this every month is a little disheartening and my heart goes out to those women who have been going through this every month for years. I’m 35 years old now, and I know that my days are becoming numbered and that it just won’t be as easy as it would have been 10 years ago, but I am more ready now than I ever have been. I have a husband who loves me, and who I love, more than I ever could have imagined. He is my best friend and I could not make it through this without him. No matter the outcome, my life will be happy and full with him for the rest of my life.
I just noticed something...Josh's old lava lamp is behind the computer. We found out last night that it still works! Now that I have been internetically educated on what my cervix looks like and the various places it moves, the lava in this lamp looks exactly like a bunch of floating cervixes...weird.
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